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Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Be Better

12 years ago, probably to the day, but I don't really remember, I woke up on my bathroom floor after a 12 margarita night and said to myself, I can't do this anymore.
Delving deep with therapy, self reflection, laughter, trial and error through the years has been a weird, exciting and painful journey. That journey has brought me closer to my family, deepened the connection to my tribe and gotten me around the world.
I didn't go the 12 step program route when the chill of the bathroom tile woke me, I quit cold turkey. It's not for everyone, but it was my way. And every day since then I try to Be Better. It isn't always a day where I am up with the sun to run miles through the woods, center myself with yoga and write for hours. Perhaps it is a day where I stay in my PJ's and binge watch X Files while eating cake.
There are times that I meet up with sweet success. I dated a seemingly perfect guy a few short months after my moment of clarity. And there are times I fail, like when this first stab at that "normal" relationship, fizzled out after only 6 weeks. Or when I successfully completed 64 miles at an endurance trail run, and then ran increasingly less mileage in the 3 subsequent 24 hour trail races.
In September of this year, our family suffered a life-sized loss. These last few months have been some of our hardest times. We will have moments where we will think we are adrift, our anchor is gone. There is no denying that this grief will forever be a part of my "normal", as painful as that is to realize. Growing up, we were taught that life does that, knocks you around, and you keep moving, no matter how slowly.
All I know for sure, from the years of trying, failing and then trying again, is that moving forward, to me, is the best that I can do. Even that day of cake and PJ's is ok, if I own it and use it to recharge myself and feel it. Because over 12 years ago, any feeling I had was muted and stomped down by my own fears, insecurities and a whole lot of margaritas.
I don't have the answer for anyone but myself. When I am at my lowest I think "What can I do?" and when I answer "Be Better." I do just that.